Archive for October, 2009

31
Oct
09

Hi, my name is…

Hello World…

my name is… haven’t decided yet.  I’m thinking of just stating an initial or some fun name… I tried years ago to write a blog and even posted pictures of myself and family but then certain family found the site and all hell broke loose.

I miss the blog world. I miss the support I received when I was venting and then finding out…heck, I’m not the only one that was going through things that I was going through!!

Alot has changed since the last time I had a blog. I am recently divorced. Huge changes in my life. Lots of mixed feelings about this. I figured through this journey of what I’m going through and feeling… maybe others will understand and they can even give me their advice, support or whatever words they want to share. I miss my blog friends….

I have lots of thoughts swimming through my head right now…where do I even begin?

30
Oct
09

Fears

Back when I was trying to figure out if I should live life with more self respect I had some fears that went through my mind. May sound funny to some but really I had a lot of questions what would be worse than what I was going through at that moment in my life.

I will try and explain.

A few years ago I had found out my husband at the time was having an affair. He denied over and over that he was so I had to seek my own detective skills and found him in the act with the other woman at a location in a vehicle. I don’t want to state where but let’s just say I witnessed enough. Surprisingly I didn’t cry or freak out. It was like I felt free of the sanity he was trying to make me feel when I would ask questions and he would say “we are just friends”. “We are just friends” is what i heard after finding hours and hours of conversations on a phone bill. Ladies, don’t believe it for a minute. I never believed it but what is sickening…. he made me feel like the worse person on the planet to even bring up the fact he was cheating. It makes me cringe thinking about how he made me feel when he was soooo guilty for soooo long.

So, let me just say that after that moment of finding the two of them I was on a mission. I booked a therapist appointment…went to therapy to MAKE SURE I was doing all I could in saving my marriage. I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power so that when I looked back I didn’t have any second thoughts. I needed that “other” person from the outside looking in to say what I needed to do. They can’t tell you what to do… but my therapist helped me open my eyes to many things and during that difficult time helped me see that I was truly being manipulated. There were some sessions that the ex was invited to and come to find out – – long story short…. he lied in those sessions and that in the end really helped me make the decision to continue with the divorce.

So, back to my fears. I wanted to have better self respect for myself but my fears were if I left the marriage and got “out” of this so called marriage of a lie… my children and what was going to happen was a huge fear. I so badly wanted my children to have the family that wasn’t divorced. They were more important to me for quite a long time than what was happening to me being cheated over and over…. but you know what? I realized that it wasn’t JUST me being cheated on. My ex cheated on US. He cheated on our children as well. I was worried what would happen to my children, I still worry about their feelings about all this. It’s been about a year and I’m now just adjusting to the new living style. 

I left the home because my ex wouldn’t. What happened was…the mistress left him since he wouldn’t leave me, LOL… he was playing the “I found God” card and begging me to stay in the marriage, it seriously got so bad I had to get Lunesta for help to sleep. A year ago I was a mess. I didn’t want to leave my home but I had no choice. I felt like I was in a prison. I was so angry that he was the one that didn’t want to play family and fuck around but then when the mistress leaves he’s a “changed” man. Bullshit.

I moved out and thought I would get the house or the house would be sold prior to the divorce final judgement. Nope. Nada. Didn’t happen. IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN what he was going to do I would have stayed. He didn’t pay a dime into the house payment and now needless to say it’s being foreclosed. There was no way I could have saved it. I was already in a lease and couldn’t pay back what he didn’t. Turns my stomach.

That is a fear that I’m living right now. I may have to file bankruptcy and it kills me to think I may have to do that.

About a month after I moved out the children were telling me that daddy had a new girlfriend. First of all folks, no big deal to me. I pity any woman that gets wrapped up in his sex addiction. What bothered me was that he introduced the chick to my kids so soon.

About a month later… she moved into MY home with her two kids. It’s now been about 7 months they’ve been together and now they are married. It’s her 3rd marriage, by the way and she’s only 30. Ahem.

So… fears…. I just want my children to have a stable life. The only way I can control that is when they are with me. We share joint custody and every other week I’m doing my damnest to have a routine, a relaxed atmosphere for them and pray they will turn out “good”. Sigh. 

I’m going to admit something that I don’t admit often but yes, during the rough times with money, now finding out about the house… the debt I’m dealing with and now about an off the wall relationship now new marriage/step mommy situation… yes, I have asked myself a few times… was it worth it? Should I have just stayed?

I do think about it and many of my fears have come true unfortunately but…. yes, it’s worth the self respect. I am in a much better place than I was a year ago but I am going through some issues that divorce and separation from kids have caused. I’m on an anxiety/depression low dose pill… needed that for the stress that lies ahead. Seems like I can’t get good restful sleep and the doctor says it’s stress related. My weight has sky rocketed to the highest I’ve ever been. Yes, there are issues, different issues, I’m dealing with now but I’m a better and stronger person getting out of that type of marriage. He won’t stop cheating. I know he won’t. I found out he was cheating more than I would like to admit… Leopards do not change their spots.

I feel like I’ve rambled a lot on this post but I do feel I have my point made. I feared alot and alot of those fears have come true…. but I’m still here, alive and kicking. I’m learning slowly how to love myself and my mission is to get out of this funk of depression, lose some weight and be the happy girl that I deserve to be.

I have dating stories to share  (joined eHarmony a bit ago) but that will have to be a different post. Maybe tomorrow 🙂  Goodnight all…. thanks for reading if you even got this far!




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