Routine needed for sure

I do so much better when I have a routine. The past 3 weeks I have been working over time. Don’t get me wrong…. I need it if it’s offered. These days I’m scrambling for my rent money.

Well, my boss came up to me and said I could work overtime the rest of this week through the weekend. This is good in so many ways but I have to say…. I LOOK like I’ve been working overtime, LOL.  Seriously, I feel exhausted, come home eat whatever I can find (I miss the planned meals or planned food for the week) and then get on computer for  alittle bit if that.

So, the question in my mind is when do I start WW online? I still have to go buy a scale. I want to do that before I do. I want the time to get healthy food in the house. I want a routine. I need a routine. I know I won’t succeed without a plan. I need to make sure I have these things in order and I have to make sure I pack my gym bag every day to work. I really need to sit down and think about some goals. I want to write down WHY I want to do this this time.

Lately I’ve really been searching within myself, trying to figure out WHY can’t I love myself the way I can love my friends and family. I don’t understand why I haven’t been able to grasp that and go full strength on what is best for ME. My health is the best gift I could give myself. I haven’t come up with a lot of answers.

I look back and can recall when the weight crept up. It goes back to when the marriage was starting to fail. My ex told me at the end of our marriage some hurtful things. Very painful things. He figured if he was honest in saying those things he was a good person. I would never say such hurtful things to anyone ever.

I knew I had to get out when he said “If you have bariatric surgery I’m sure I wouldn’t cheat and we could have a better marriage”. . . in the conversation he also said he wanted a “10” again on his arm.

Maybe deep inside the hurtful words hurt even more and it’s just a little reason I don’t feel like I can do this and get the weight off. I want to believe in myself. I really do. I know it’s up to me and me alone.



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November 2009
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