Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

05
Nov
09

He said…

I was having a really craptastic day a few days ago. I vented to a good male friend of mine about some of my feelings. I will share some of what he said… maybe I need to come back to this post and read some of his comments when I’m having another “one of those days”.

You see, this male friend of mine…. we have a different kind of relationship. He’s been here for me through the whole divorce. The only reason I know him? I called him the night I found my husband and his wife fucking in a vehicle on the golf course. Never spoke with G before and hoped I never had to make such a phone call.

Fast forward… we’ve become very close and have been there for each other for about 3 years now. We are definitely more than friends…. but not a committed relationship for a few different reasons. Maybe some day though. I know this may sound really weird to some of you that are reading this but shit happens and we have met under the weirdest circumstances, yes…. but when he holds me…I don’t think of his ex (the one that had the affair with my husband) and I never have thought of any weird feelings when I’m with him. I have a calmness around me when he’s near me. He makes me laugh like no other… the list goes on.

I’m sure I will speak a lot of G in this blog because he is an important person in my life.

Anyway, he made me feel so good the other day. The kind of good that you don’t look for but it just happens when kind words are shared.

I was feeling blah one day and we were google chatting. He always wants to know how I’m doing… we share our thoughts for the day… we vent to each other (he’s going through a major custody battle right now and that’s a huge reason “we” aren’t “we” right now).

I was explaining some of my health issues and that I was going to go back to WW. He said “A, I want you to go back to exercising for your stress and health issues but what I don’t get is… your weight isn’t an issue to me”. I said REALLY? But…. it is to me. He said “sexiness comes within you and YOU, make me feel like I have never felt before”. . . He continued to say “my ex wife never made me feel the way you make me feel in and out of bed”. “You enjoy being with me and I can feel that when we are together”. He continued to say some of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard from a man’s lips. I was feeling “pretty” yesterday and mentioned that and he said “you should feel pretty everyday, A…. you are beautiful”.  My heart melts.  Maybe it melts more because I know we are not committed and I know he’s not just saying these things to get me in bed… he’s telling me because he genuinely means it.

This man is a gift to me whether we become more serious down the road or not. During my hard times he was there making me laugh….during his tough times – – like right now – – I am there for him making him smile and laugh. It’s certainly become a wonderful friendship if nothing else.

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04
Nov
09

When it rains….

Holy shit…..I have two dates this week. Tomorrow I go out with G  and then Friday night I’m meeting eHarmony match, J for dinner.

When it rains it pours! Still need to sign up WW online but need to come up with that 60+ dollars for the 3 month dealio. Gotta do it…. and I want to do it!

This week has been great and feeling pretty sexaaay today. Took a half day yesterday, that always helps… went to the spa and had my hair layered and colored. Wearing a new sweater… feel good. I wish I felt this good everyday.

 

02
Nov
09

Routine needed for sure

I do so much better when I have a routine. The past 3 weeks I have been working over time. Don’t get me wrong…. I need it if it’s offered. These days I’m scrambling for my rent money.

Well, my boss came up to me and said I could work overtime the rest of this week through the weekend. This is good in so many ways but I have to say…. I LOOK like I’ve been working overtime, LOL.  Seriously, I feel exhausted, come home eat whatever I can find (I miss the planned meals or planned food for the week) and then get on computer for  alittle bit if that.

So, the question in my mind is when do I start WW online? I still have to go buy a scale. I want to do that before I do. I want the time to get healthy food in the house. I want a routine. I need a routine. I know I won’t succeed without a plan. I need to make sure I have these things in order and I have to make sure I pack my gym bag every day to work. I really need to sit down and think about some goals. I want to write down WHY I want to do this this time.

Lately I’ve really been searching within myself, trying to figure out WHY can’t I love myself the way I can love my friends and family. I don’t understand why I haven’t been able to grasp that and go full strength on what is best for ME. My health is the best gift I could give myself. I haven’t come up with a lot of answers.

I look back and can recall when the weight crept up. It goes back to when the marriage was starting to fail. My ex told me at the end of our marriage some hurtful things. Very painful things. He figured if he was honest in saying those things he was a good person. I would never say such hurtful things to anyone ever.

I knew I had to get out when he said “If you have bariatric surgery I’m sure I wouldn’t cheat and we could have a better marriage”. . . in the conversation he also said he wanted a “10” again on his arm.

Maybe deep inside the hurtful words hurt even more and it’s just a little reason I don’t feel like I can do this and get the weight off. I want to believe in myself. I really do. I know it’s up to me and me alone.

 

01
Nov
09

Control

Why do I continue to allow my ex to bother me? It’s not like I put him in control but he always seems to find a way to weasel into the control chair.

Halloween was his holiday this year. I have the boys this week (through this weekend) but he had them for a few hours for trick or treating. I specifically texted him and told him my mom would be here at 5 when he picks them up so he needs to ring the door bell and the boys will come out. No…. I didn’t tell him where I would be since I’m learning I don’t have to be an open book to him anymore. I’m a good communicator but I’ve learned it’s none of his damn business where I am and why.  (I had to work over time and for a couple hours my mom watched the boys).

So… 5 pm rolls around. No sign of fucktard. I told my mom I would check my phone (texts). My cellphone doesn’t work in my office so I have to go outside to check. Sure enough, there’s a text a 4:15 p.m. saying they won’t be here until 5:30 due to trick or treating not beginning until 6 p.m.  and to make sure they boys had dinner so there’s no belly aches from eating candy or being hungry.

First of all, I never let my boys go hungry. Second, DIDN’T HE UNDERSTAND MY TEXT EARLIER THAT DAY? I wasn’t going to be home…my mom was here with the boys until 5 p.m.

I ended up quickly texting back ” I didn’t get your message until now if you don’t recall I’m not home and it’s 5:25 p.m…. the boys have been waiting for you since 5 p.m. wondering where you are”. Later I also texted him back saying it would be ever so kind for next time to get a little better notice since my mom had plans with grandpa after5 pm…. of course no response from dickwad.

So, that’s not the end of my control freak ex on Halloween night……. My son needs medication and I sent his “night pills” so that he could take them before coming home. We’ve done this routine for YEARS. Usually about 7 pm he gets them. I get a text about 8 p.m.  “B’s pills are in the candy bag”.  I texted back “You didn’t give the pills that I sent to him tonight”?  Text response from ex was “Nope, no drinks here”.

ASSHOLE. Do you people see why I get so upset? What is so fricking hard to grab a water and give the pills to our son? Why does my ex have to be so controlling and so difficult? AND why do I continually let myself get annoyed with his behavior? My heart races and I get furious at times. I cannot control this man nor do I want to… all I want is for him not to be so difficult.

I know this isn’t the last time this kind of thing will happen. I was married to him for 15 years. He wasn’t this difficult when we were married.  Oh, maybe I should reflect on that…. I’m thinking because he was banging 2 or God knows how many women besides me, his wife…. he probably didn’t need to feel like he had to control me the way he is now. Hmmmmm? Food for thought.

Speaking of control. I’m about to start taking control of my weight and health again. It’s about damn time huh? I’m looking into WW online as we speak.

~A

31
Oct
09

Hi, my name is…

Hello World…

my name is… haven’t decided yet.  I’m thinking of just stating an initial or some fun name… I tried years ago to write a blog and even posted pictures of myself and family but then certain family found the site and all hell broke loose.

I miss the blog world. I miss the support I received when I was venting and then finding out…heck, I’m not the only one that was going through things that I was going through!!

Alot has changed since the last time I had a blog. I am recently divorced. Huge changes in my life. Lots of mixed feelings about this. I figured through this journey of what I’m going through and feeling… maybe others will understand and they can even give me their advice, support or whatever words they want to share. I miss my blog friends….

I have lots of thoughts swimming through my head right now…where do I even begin?

30
Oct
09

Fears

Back when I was trying to figure out if I should live life with more self respect I had some fears that went through my mind. May sound funny to some but really I had a lot of questions what would be worse than what I was going through at that moment in my life.

I will try and explain.

A few years ago I had found out my husband at the time was having an affair. He denied over and over that he was so I had to seek my own detective skills and found him in the act with the other woman at a location in a vehicle. I don’t want to state where but let’s just say I witnessed enough. Surprisingly I didn’t cry or freak out. It was like I felt free of the sanity he was trying to make me feel when I would ask questions and he would say “we are just friends”. “We are just friends” is what i heard after finding hours and hours of conversations on a phone bill. Ladies, don’t believe it for a minute. I never believed it but what is sickening…. he made me feel like the worse person on the planet to even bring up the fact he was cheating. It makes me cringe thinking about how he made me feel when he was soooo guilty for soooo long.

So, let me just say that after that moment of finding the two of them I was on a mission. I booked a therapist appointment…went to therapy to MAKE SURE I was doing all I could in saving my marriage. I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power so that when I looked back I didn’t have any second thoughts. I needed that “other” person from the outside looking in to say what I needed to do. They can’t tell you what to do… but my therapist helped me open my eyes to many things and during that difficult time helped me see that I was truly being manipulated. There were some sessions that the ex was invited to and come to find out – – long story short…. he lied in those sessions and that in the end really helped me make the decision to continue with the divorce.

So, back to my fears. I wanted to have better self respect for myself but my fears were if I left the marriage and got “out” of this so called marriage of a lie… my children and what was going to happen was a huge fear. I so badly wanted my children to have the family that wasn’t divorced. They were more important to me for quite a long time than what was happening to me being cheated over and over…. but you know what? I realized that it wasn’t JUST me being cheated on. My ex cheated on US. He cheated on our children as well. I was worried what would happen to my children, I still worry about their feelings about all this. It’s been about a year and I’m now just adjusting to the new living style. 

I left the home because my ex wouldn’t. What happened was…the mistress left him since he wouldn’t leave me, LOL… he was playing the “I found God” card and begging me to stay in the marriage, it seriously got so bad I had to get Lunesta for help to sleep. A year ago I was a mess. I didn’t want to leave my home but I had no choice. I felt like I was in a prison. I was so angry that he was the one that didn’t want to play family and fuck around but then when the mistress leaves he’s a “changed” man. Bullshit.

I moved out and thought I would get the house or the house would be sold prior to the divorce final judgement. Nope. Nada. Didn’t happen. IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN what he was going to do I would have stayed. He didn’t pay a dime into the house payment and now needless to say it’s being foreclosed. There was no way I could have saved it. I was already in a lease and couldn’t pay back what he didn’t. Turns my stomach.

That is a fear that I’m living right now. I may have to file bankruptcy and it kills me to think I may have to do that.

About a month after I moved out the children were telling me that daddy had a new girlfriend. First of all folks, no big deal to me. I pity any woman that gets wrapped up in his sex addiction. What bothered me was that he introduced the chick to my kids so soon.

About a month later… she moved into MY home with her two kids. It’s now been about 7 months they’ve been together and now they are married. It’s her 3rd marriage, by the way and she’s only 30. Ahem.

So… fears…. I just want my children to have a stable life. The only way I can control that is when they are with me. We share joint custody and every other week I’m doing my damnest to have a routine, a relaxed atmosphere for them and pray they will turn out “good”. Sigh. 

I’m going to admit something that I don’t admit often but yes, during the rough times with money, now finding out about the house… the debt I’m dealing with and now about an off the wall relationship now new marriage/step mommy situation… yes, I have asked myself a few times… was it worth it? Should I have just stayed?

I do think about it and many of my fears have come true unfortunately but…. yes, it’s worth the self respect. I am in a much better place than I was a year ago but I am going through some issues that divorce and separation from kids have caused. I’m on an anxiety/depression low dose pill… needed that for the stress that lies ahead. Seems like I can’t get good restful sleep and the doctor says it’s stress related. My weight has sky rocketed to the highest I’ve ever been. Yes, there are issues, different issues, I’m dealing with now but I’m a better and stronger person getting out of that type of marriage. He won’t stop cheating. I know he won’t. I found out he was cheating more than I would like to admit… Leopards do not change their spots.

I feel like I’ve rambled a lot on this post but I do feel I have my point made. I feared alot and alot of those fears have come true…. but I’m still here, alive and kicking. I’m learning slowly how to love myself and my mission is to get out of this funk of depression, lose some weight and be the happy girl that I deserve to be.

I have dating stories to share  (joined eHarmony a bit ago) but that will have to be a different post. Maybe tomorrow 🙂  Goodnight all…. thanks for reading if you even got this far!




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